Portraits of Resilience: Maz

Our Portraits of Resilience bring together powerful portraits and personal stories from women who’ve walked through our doors at Bramber Bakehouse. As you explore these stories, we invite you to stand with us as we step into the next decade of hope and healing.

I love spending time with my daughters and grand-daughters. I also like visiting different places and gardening. I’ve got a little bungalow now with a small border outside my front window. I’ve just fertilised it and put my plants in. That’s my project.

Last year, I left a controlling and coercive relationship, which I had been in for a long time. A few months later, I had a minor stroke, which really affected me. I lost all my self-confidence and self-esteem.

When I was with my ex-partner, I used to have to walk on eggshells. I tried to keep the peace. If I sensed an argument brewing, I tried to diffuse the situation. I pushed all my emotions down. After a big row, I would go into the toilet, hold my head in my hands and say to myself, “What have I done?” Then I’d have to pull myself together and get on with it.

When I moved in with him, things escalated. He would bring me down when good things were happening in my life. He threatened my son-in-law and pushed my family away. He would trash the house and smash things off the wall like pictures or a clock. I was worried I was going to be next and knew I had to get out. I packed a bag and went to stay with my daughter. Three days after I left, without telling me, he had our cat, Tiggz, put down. It just floored me.

Looking back, the red flags were there, but I thought it would be okay. I did love him – now I just pity him. I don’t ever want to see him again.

Just as I was getting my life back together and reconnecting with people, I had a minor stroke. I had to spend 11 weeks in the hospital. It changed my eyesight and affected my ears. The relationship had been so destructive, it was overwhelming for my body. That might be why I had the stroke – it was a warning. I thank my lucky blessings because it could have been worse.

Afterwards, it was challenging to go out. I could only go for little walks. It’s taken me quite a while to get on a bus because it affects my vision and makes me feel nauseous.

The social prescriber at the GP surgery encouraged me to do the baking course at Bramber Bakehouse. I wasn’t sure but eventually said, “Yes I’ll do it.” And, my God, I was so pleased I did.

When we first went into the community kitchen, I thought, “oh, this is a lovely, light, airy building”. Everyone was so friendly and welcoming. They even made you a cup of tea when you got there. The volunteers helped when I struggled because of my arthritis. I was baking things I’d never baked before. The professional bakers made mistakes too – which made us feel better!

I was the first one to open up about what happened to me, which started the ball rolling. Other people began talking about their problems too. That was the best therapy I could ever have. There were ladies there who had experienced what I had gone through, or they knew other people who had. They made me feel I wasn’t alone.

At the beginning it wasn’t easy. I had flashbacks. I kept asking myself, “why did I stay so long? Was I all these things he said I was? Was it my fault?”. Eventually, with encouragement, I realised it wasn’t.

Each week we did different breathing techniques, which helped to bring my adrenaline and anxiety down. I still use the exercises.

Before the course, I had really nothing in my life, only appointments. Bramber got me out of my comfort zone. I went on to have a befriender who I spoke to once a week on the phone. It made my week chatting to her and she has become a good friend. I am hoping to join their mentoring programme soon.

Bramber helped me find myself again. Travelling there, learning new skills, gave me confidence and something to be proud of. It also helped me to start socialising again.

Since then, I’ve thought, “what have I got to lose by trying other activities?”. I’ve done mindfulness at the local community garden, gone back to volunteer at my charity shop, and joined a line dancing class. I’m planning a holiday abroad with my friend next year.

My hopes and dreams are small. I want to continue this journey and carry on turning my life around. I want to try new things with whatever time I am left with. But it will not involve a man!

I want to go back and do the baking course all over again. What Bramber has achieved is just remarkable. I feel that anyone in a similar situation, or struggling with anxiety, should go for it. It’s just magic. Without them, I don’t think I would be where I am now. 

Thank you to Sarah Weal (photographer), Katherine Maxwell-Jones from iMix (storyteller) and Julia Smith (floristry artist) for your careful care and support enabling us to share these stories with the world.